hesitant about it

tis few days i just thinking about one thing..
should i wish u?
maybe it seems just small things in ur mind, or even there are no big deal with my wishes.
but this is my sincere..

i dont know..lets me think about it..wish i will be busy at tat day, then i will forget about the little wishes.

hearbeat

insecure...
tis few days i keep on feelings like tis.. what happened to me recently?
2012 not a good year for me, in the starting point, my heart keep hurting by many things, most of them are families problems..

Mother, dont say im not respect u, dont say i keep ignore u..
i know my image for them was a arrogant gurl. but do u understand the real feelings behind my arrogant face?
what i wanna try to tell u be4, but u just keep ignored and scold me with the fake evidence that u heard from them.
my heart broken.. i thought mothers are the one will be most understand their children, it seems i got the wrong theory..shouldnt think u r the one who will care about me, right?
i still remembered that day what u scold at me.. u say im the one who make our families broke in few pieces.. u keep using those words to hurt me..
are u insane? or are u trying to blame me for the things that u did wrong and u cant turn it back to right position?

these few days, i keep thinking those things that happened to me..
the insane hurt me and your youngest daughter without any valid and acceptable reason..
she act like such a gangster and not being educated person..
whack both of us.. cekik our hairs...
those just small cases..im being adopted ady since i was small..
but the one hurt me deepness was ur reaction...
how could u believe her fake stories and yielding us like tat?
i kept told myself..stop..Jean..things ady happened...pointless to thinking back..meaningless..
but i cant control my mind..my heart pain like hell..i keep thinking why mother wanna threat me like tis suck ways..

although im just 18 years old, but this fews things make me mature like hell..
my fairy was broken (it broken long ago ady..)
i dont believe that parents will be the one protect u and accept u when anythings happened..
in contrary, they can be the one whose hurt u deepness..they act like wanna pull u to hell..

since those ugly things happened.. i admit that i try to suicide be4..
i think about..lets end up my life..so that i will be free..i dont nid to face all those sadness and painful things..
who the one force me towards tis status?
who the one break me like the hell?
think about that..
i admit i got do wrong..but the most wrong one not me, is the damn eldest one!
but it seems meaningless to talk wif u.
maybe i gonna close my heart..
i believe that if i threat u like a normal person, i put u far from the person that i care, so my heart will not be broke twice again..

i dun care..
i dun care...
i dun care about u anymore..it seems like u oso dun care right?
i hope that she and he will threat u right, although we cant get a good ending together, i still hoping u will get ur happiness, but i noe there are no place for me to stay. nvm..it doesnt matter.

dont try to pull me back if i leave u..
u made it.
now is just the matter of time. give me some time.. everything will be alright, i will try to achieve other happiness by myself.
thank you.

letter for Jean

i think i am a bit boring oni, it keeps my mind free so that i keep on thinking on him again..
i thought i had forgotten him already..but tis few days he came into my mind again..
maybe i quite nervous and stress on my education and for the nearly final term, hope that i can concentrate into my study and start a new life by learning how to live more better without waste my time thinking on the one who are meaningless for me.

arghh....scared lah....final term aldy right in the conner.. although i got done some preparation but i still thinking of it still not sufficient for me to earn a high CGPA.
english is my weaknesses...i scare the english skill 2 will pull down my grade..
somemore the oral test oso....arghh....i hated most the part!
then my step will more far from the scholarship...
if tis happened.. then i will direct jump from the highest floor from my building or bang the wall of my class directly..

in the last semester..although my grade got 3.0, but i still think about not satisfy..haha.. quite a greedy gurl i am..

hopefully in this semester my cgpa can hit up to 3.5..
pls....Jean..dont let me disappointed ah!
or i'm sure will whack u big big one!!!!

Jean..u nid to noe that there are no excuse for u to get lower grade ady..
now u choose the course that u like and u think u can do it, right?
not same like the form 4 and 5 study ady..
Jean.. if u not working hard and do some sacrifice for ur study, there will be another deepness that u nid to head..
in that time, nobody gonna save u or lend u a hand..
they will just looking u die..
then u nid to terminate ur study and go out to work...
u noe right? with SPM qualification, u just can earn RM 800 per month..

Jean.. keep going!!!
fight for ur future..
dont think about anythings which are not related for ur education else!
keep him away from ur sight, out of ur mind!
just thinking about for ur future!
fight! fight!

either study or die!
either degree holder or SPM cert with RM 800 salary!