hearbeat

insecure...
tis few days i keep on feelings like tis.. what happened to me recently?
2012 not a good year for me, in the starting point, my heart keep hurting by many things, most of them are families problems..

Mother, dont say im not respect u, dont say i keep ignore u..
i know my image for them was a arrogant gurl. but do u understand the real feelings behind my arrogant face?
what i wanna try to tell u be4, but u just keep ignored and scold me with the fake evidence that u heard from them.
my heart broken.. i thought mothers are the one will be most understand their children, it seems i got the wrong theory..shouldnt think u r the one who will care about me, right?
i still remembered that day what u scold at me.. u say im the one who make our families broke in few pieces.. u keep using those words to hurt me..
are u insane? or are u trying to blame me for the things that u did wrong and u cant turn it back to right position?

these few days, i keep thinking those things that happened to me..
the insane hurt me and your youngest daughter without any valid and acceptable reason..
she act like such a gangster and not being educated person..
whack both of us.. cekik our hairs...
those just small cases..im being adopted ady since i was small..
but the one hurt me deepness was ur reaction...
how could u believe her fake stories and yielding us like tat?
i kept told myself..stop..Jean..things ady happened...pointless to thinking back..meaningless..
but i cant control my mind..my heart pain like hell..i keep thinking why mother wanna threat me like tis suck ways..

although im just 18 years old, but this fews things make me mature like hell..
my fairy was broken (it broken long ago ady..)
i dont believe that parents will be the one protect u and accept u when anythings happened..
in contrary, they can be the one whose hurt u deepness..they act like wanna pull u to hell..

since those ugly things happened.. i admit that i try to suicide be4..
i think about..lets end up my life..so that i will be free..i dont nid to face all those sadness and painful things..
who the one force me towards tis status?
who the one break me like the hell?
think about that..
i admit i got do wrong..but the most wrong one not me, is the damn eldest one!
but it seems meaningless to talk wif u.
maybe i gonna close my heart..
i believe that if i threat u like a normal person, i put u far from the person that i care, so my heart will not be broke twice again..

i dun care..
i dun care...
i dun care about u anymore..it seems like u oso dun care right?
i hope that she and he will threat u right, although we cant get a good ending together, i still hoping u will get ur happiness, but i noe there are no place for me to stay. nvm..it doesnt matter.

dont try to pull me back if i leave u..
u made it.
now is just the matter of time. give me some time.. everything will be alright, i will try to achieve other happiness by myself.
thank you.