Life is shit...
sometimes i will think about is it better for us to end those shit things?
is it better if i leave there?
am i look selfish if i left him to chase my own dream?
sometimes i really think about just leave here..
i cant take it anymore..
it's so stressful..
Life is totally shit..
thats all.

我们都傻

回顾以前的青春，以前的潇洒，以前和朋友放纵地打打闹闹，现在好像很远很远了。
想回顾吗？还是展望未来？
如果是你，怎么选？

我曾经听人说过，现实会扼杀你的纯真，但也会给你如何面对现实的力量。
然后，你不再天真，不再幻想。

这就叫长大。

关于爱情，

有一首歌可以代表我现在的心情。

我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂，我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘。

我和他不再属于同一个地方。

我觉得我们都是傻子，都是为自己所爱的干些傻事，做些笨事，但却有自得其乐，因为那时手里是握着彼此的爱，然后碎了，曲终人散。

所以，我们都傻。

爱这个字太空虚。

难过的时候，我会想..为什么是这样的结果？

难过可不可以睁一睁眼会就会消失？

为什么我们会来到这种地步？

我们做坏事了吗？我们很坏吗？

为什么会收到这样的惩罚？

我们被分散了.

有时候，我会庆幸幸好我一早搬来宿舍，有个让我觉得安心的地方，我不会再听到任何怒言，起码这里是让我暂时觉得可以安心的角落，可是..我想..如果你爱我们，你心疼你的孩子的话，怎么舍得伤害我们？

我很坏吗？

我对你不好吗？

我不听你话吗？

为什么你就是舍得来伤害我呢？

有时候人就是这样，被伤害多了，心就会麻木，会开始忽视你，离开你。

我不想离开你的 。当初我选在这里读书的原因也是为了能够待在家里。

但是我真的受不了你残忍的言语，无限制的侮辱。

这样的关系，让彼此辛苦，窒息..何不放手？

可能是我们有缘无分，有缘做得你的女儿，却没有福分达到你的标准。

对不起，我是一个坏女儿。

对不起，我有很多的对不起，我离开你到底是对是错？我不懂，我知道的是，我是一个不负责任的女儿。

妹，对不起，我不是一个好姐姐，把你留在了那儿，没能好好保护你，对不起。

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

With love.RIP

these few days such a terrible mess...
its like all the bad things happen in the time..
is it the God wanna examine my toughness?
but honestly..i cant take it anymore..
today i lost my uncle..
the feelings kind of weird when i heard the news that he passed away..
i keep on reject it from the bottom of my heart..
i keep on telling myself that it just a lie.. someone take it as a joke..

tears running down from my eyes..
i felt so sad..
such a suddenly incident..
dont have any sign..just happen unexpectedly..so unpredictable..
so sad..
i still rmb he just sat besides me when my brother fetching me back to my hostel.
we teasing each other..playing fool...
still remember that day i celebrate Mother's Day with him and my families..
still remember that day he walk like a penguin and keep on blaming us tat we shopping a lot..
made him so tired..
still remember he put lots of chilli sauces onto his american chicken chop then broke the whole meal but claimed that the chicken chop not delicious..
still remember his hand put onto my shoulder when we walk around..
why we regret until we missed the people and person that we care a lot?
cant we appreciate and be grateful at that time?
but now i cant saw him anymore..
i miss him so much..miss his joke..miss his concern..miss his hand that i used to hold so tight..
Uncle Shun....i miss you badly..
i felt sorry that i cant accompany u before u went to heaven..
so insufficient memories..not enough..
the phone cover that i brought to u...u just use few days only...not enough...
i will always miss you..keep u as a memorable part.
my forever chubby uncle...i will always miss u..
Uncle Shun...rest in peace.. i will always miss you..

with love,
Ur niece.

life suck

same as title.
life really suck
full of sadness.
full of madness.
full of disappointed..
full of desperate..

it force u to lean down..wave ur white flag toward him.
will u surrender?

so do i..
what i gonna do?
life suck
life freaking suck..

u can just shrug u shoulder as it is not ur business.u dont care about it.
but as an alert..
remember..life always suck.

doubt

sometimes, i curious that what position am i in ur heart?
stranger?...or sort of?

how childish am i? i used to be think of im the one who know you well..
i thought im the one u will treat me as a treasure like u promised..
then..u break it..
u always be..

sometimes i feel...r u enjoying to letting me down?
dont u feel sympathy?
i dint do anything wrong...

sometimes...im envy to somebody that they used to be happy always.have their good life.
family always as a haven for them.
still childish. immature. thought that families still backing up for them. they still have opportunity to crazy to mess up.
they have couples of opportunity to waste their life..but they are happy..

i hope i have the chance to be them.
but i dint have.
i nid to face bunch of matters that both u two brings to me..
desperately..

the thing that i most hated was..
ppl always think that im the happiness gurl, rich parents, big houses.
but im not.
im just an ordinary gurl..
then turn out to be an emo gurl.

families problems...
financial problems..
almost brought by parents..
families stand for crisis but not haven for me..

schmuck..
do u think im enough strength to bear all the messes that u done?
u such an irresponsible guy.
im just 18 age.
u ruin my teenage life.
u always yell at me.
force me to clean the mess that u cause.
u teach me the reality.

even i beg u for a car..
just a simply request.
u threatened me several times..
have u treat me as ur daughter?

i really hate u.
hated u most but loved u most..
i nearly crazy..
u drive me crazy.
i tried to push these sad feelings away..
but i cant..
i nearly crazy..
desperate..
mercy..
fed up..
frustrated..
disappointed..

end up a life seems is a good way. somebody have courage to do while somebody not.
guess which type am i?
coward?
i dont dare as im a coward.
then alternative way is keep on enjoy ur suck life.
and begging will have an angel to save u from abyss..?

hesitant about it

tis few days i just thinking about one thing..
should i wish u?
maybe it seems just small things in ur mind, or even there are no big deal with my wishes.
but this is my sincere..

i dont know..lets me think about it..wish i will be busy at tat day, then i will forget about the little wishes.

hearbeat

insecure...
tis few days i keep on feelings like tis.. what happened to me recently?
2012 not a good year for me, in the starting point, my heart keep hurting by many things, most of them are families problems..

Mother, dont say im not respect u, dont say i keep ignore u..
i know my image for them was a arrogant gurl. but do u understand the real feelings behind my arrogant face?
what i wanna try to tell u be4, but u just keep ignored and scold me with the fake evidence that u heard from them.
my heart broken.. i thought mothers are the one will be most understand their children, it seems i got the wrong theory..shouldnt think u r the one who will care about me, right?
i still remembered that day what u scold at me.. u say im the one who make our families broke in few pieces.. u keep using those words to hurt me..
are u insane? or are u trying to blame me for the things that u did wrong and u cant turn it back to right position?

these few days, i keep thinking those things that happened to me..
the insane hurt me and your youngest daughter without any valid and acceptable reason..
she act like such a gangster and not being educated person..
whack both of us.. cekik our hairs...
those just small cases..im being adopted ady since i was small..
but the one hurt me deepness was ur reaction...
how could u believe her fake stories and yielding us like tat?
i kept told myself..stop..Jean..things ady happened...pointless to thinking back..meaningless..
but i cant control my mind..my heart pain like hell..i keep thinking why mother wanna threat me like tis suck ways..

although im just 18 years old, but this fews things make me mature like hell..
my fairy was broken (it broken long ago ady..)
i dont believe that parents will be the one protect u and accept u when anythings happened..
in contrary, they can be the one whose hurt u deepness..they act like wanna pull u to hell..

since those ugly things happened.. i admit that i try to suicide be4..
i think about..lets end up my life..so that i will be free..i dont nid to face all those sadness and painful things..
who the one force me towards tis status?
who the one break me like the hell?
think about that..
i admit i got do wrong..but the most wrong one not me, is the damn eldest one!
but it seems meaningless to talk wif u.
maybe i gonna close my heart..
i believe that if i threat u like a normal person, i put u far from the person that i care, so my heart will not be broke twice again..

i dun care..
i dun care...
i dun care about u anymore..it seems like u oso dun care right?
i hope that she and he will threat u right, although we cant get a good ending together, i still hoping u will get ur happiness, but i noe there are no place for me to stay. nvm..it doesnt matter.

dont try to pull me back if i leave u..
u made it.
now is just the matter of time. give me some time.. everything will be alright, i will try to achieve other happiness by myself.
thank you.

letter for Jean

i think i am a bit boring oni, it keeps my mind free so that i keep on thinking on him again..
i thought i had forgotten him already..but tis few days he came into my mind again..
maybe i quite nervous and stress on my education and for the nearly final term, hope that i can concentrate into my study and start a new life by learning how to live more better without waste my time thinking on the one who are meaningless for me.

arghh....scared lah....final term aldy right in the conner.. although i got done some preparation but i still thinking of it still not sufficient for me to earn a high CGPA.
english is my weaknesses...i scare the english skill 2 will pull down my grade..
somemore the oral test oso....arghh....i hated most the part!
then my step will more far from the scholarship...
if tis happened.. then i will direct jump from the highest floor from my building or bang the wall of my class directly..

in the last semester..although my grade got 3.0, but i still think about not satisfy..haha.. quite a greedy gurl i am..

hopefully in this semester my cgpa can hit up to 3.5..
pls....Jean..dont let me disappointed ah!
or i'm sure will whack u big big one!!!!

Jean..u nid to noe that there are no excuse for u to get lower grade ady..
now u choose the course that u like and u think u can do it, right?
not same like the form 4 and 5 study ady..
Jean.. if u not working hard and do some sacrifice for ur study, there will be another deepness that u nid to head..
in that time, nobody gonna save u or lend u a hand..
they will just looking u die..
then u nid to terminate ur study and go out to work...
u noe right? with SPM qualification, u just can earn RM 800 per month..

Jean.. keep going!!!
fight for ur future..
dont think about anythings which are not related for ur education else!
keep him away from ur sight, out of ur mind!
just thinking about for ur future!
fight! fight!

either study or die!
either degree holder or SPM cert with RM 800 salary!